“I feel like I’m crushing you”

As the title suggests, I recently dated a guy (Abe**) who was skinny. Like skinny skinny. Skinny enough where all of my past body dysmorphia issues resurfaced; he could not have his arm around me on the couch without a sharp pang of bone bothering me. Me, a brat and a vocal girl, made it clear that that was not comfortable. Abe declared early on that he was insecure about his stature and his minimal appetite, and I was ostensibly empathetic . I love to eat, and the fact I could not eat, one of life’s greatest pleasures and elementary, essential duties, without feeling like I was a heathen in comparison to him did not bode well for my psyche either.  Whether these issues with Abe were a reflection of my own insecurities or his, I could not feel physically inclined to sleep with him. That said, I do not attribute his weight to the reason I could not be drawn towards him. It was his demeanor.

Unfortunately, I have been with my fair share of skinny guys in the past; I have had many enjoyable experiences in fact. Unlike Abe, these men carried themself with more confidence and I was naturally drawn towards them. Ending things with Abe for the sole reason of his size would be superficial; however, ending it with someone because of the energy they exude and my negligible inclination to have sex with them is not. 

Aside from this ‘ick’ that I obviously could not get past, Abe was the sweetest guy to date. He had never had a girlfriend before, and his ignorance sexually was noticeable (i legit had to teach this 26.5 year old man how to kiss which was a major turn-off and made me feel like I was in the dominant position), but other than that, he seemed like he had learned the ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’ of dating from observing others.  In fact, he has been my best dating experience with regards to male plan-making, communication, and coming from similar backgrounds. He represented so many qualities I deem non-negotiables, and I felt like I “should” like him. I just wasn’t excited to see him, and if at the beginning of a relationship you aren;t into things, will you ever be? 

I learnt a lot from my 6 weeks with Abe. I learnt that I like:

  • When guys are willing to talk about emotions and what they are looking for; on the flip side, I learnt I don’t like when they want to talk about feelings too much. 
  • When I can get the semblance they are close to their family and communicate with them regularly
  • Someone that cares about my well-being and wants to know about my day 
  • Plan-makers and when they put effort into finding date ideas and activities
  • Someone that has interests (Abe played guitar, skid, frisbee golf, basketball etc. Arguably more than me LOL). 
  • Someone that is a hardworker (ie,. I did some creeping and found that Abe got superb linkedin reviews from past coworkers) 

I learnt that I do not like: 

  • Someone that eats and drinks at a snail pace (if at all). I would lap him in glasses of wine and came home hungry after every encounter. 
  • Someone that I cannot comfortably cuddle with, given that is one of my favorite past times 
  • When someone is always wanting to have conversations about our feelings towards one another and who I struggle to naturally laugh with 
  • Extremely strange laughs (i love a good cackle and nothing is better than a great laugh, but this one missed the mark)
  • A passive guy (Abe made references how he was nervous to ask for a raise even though he deserved it). Also his investment strategy was a turn-off to me too (only traded individual stocks on robinhood like a buffoon)
  • Someone that repeats the same stories over and over again 
  • When they ask if we are splitting the cost. I would offer anyways, I do not need someone to bring it up first. 
  • When I cannot refer to someone by their real name since I do not like their name and never have

While each ‘icks’ was individually not enough to end things with him given his many good qualities. However, I could not justify wasting my prime years on him, given the icks as a collective entity. 

Bottom line is I cannot have beta-male energy and need the ability to do rudimentary tasks with a partner without having additional thoughts running through my already over-thinking brain. Having reflected on Abe and past situationships, I know I have met guys who collectively have all the qualities I hope my future lover embodies. The issue is that they are not within the same person. 

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